In 1971, I accepted a ride from a co-worker who I didn’t really know very well, but with the naivety of a 20 year old, I never even hesitated. After a detour and another poor decision, I was violently raped. In a state of denial and isolation, I never acknowledged or spoke of the rape to anyone. After 3 months, I had to face the fact that I was pregnant. I saw a doctor who presented 2 choices: carry the child full term or abort. I really didn’t listen as the doctor described the abortion because I believed in God and believed abortion was not an option. I walked out planning to have the baby.
My mother had flown to be with me when I saw the doctor and was supportive of whatever I decided to do. Two nights later, my dad called. I lived away from home and we had not talked, though we were very close. He began to cry as I told him. I had never seen my dad cry! He said that he couldn’t see how any of us could live with “this.” You see, the man who raped me was a drug addict, and he was black and I am white. In the 1970s, an inter-racial pregnancy was unacceptable— even more so than an abortion which could be hidden! His tears broke my heart and I changed my mind.
The abortion was a nightmare. Because I was so far along, my uterus was filled with a fluid to cause premature birth. The room was cold and sterile. There were 6 interns observing the procedure. I was horrified and humiliated. Afterward I was taken to another room and left alone. Unprepared for what followed, a piece of me shriveled up and died that day.
Pro-Choice advocates, and some Pro-Life supporters would say I was totally justified in having the abortion. My pregnancy was the result of a violent rape by a drug-addicted man of another ethnicity. I should not feel guilt or shame but rather be thankful that I had a “choice” and the ability to live a life without being constantly reminded of that trauma. That lie has deceived many. It has been 46 years since my abortion, and I still regret the decision. I struggled for many years with guilt, shame, regret, unworthiness, anger, and fear, all stemming from that one act.
AbAnon has helped me, and many other women, to understand the impact abortions have had on our lives and to find healing. One of my greatest blessings is to be a part of AbAnon and to help other women find peace and hope as they are healed from the lasting effects of abortion.